I may have told her we're dating for a handjob, Fake tits are overrated.
he told me it was a naked video of him so i opened it. i just got rickrolled while sexting
Hangovers were designed by God when he decided that so far he had taken it WAY TOO EASY on me.
Babe, I need to be clear. I DO NOT WANT TO HAVE ANAL. Never. No anal. No "talking about it"
He called my vagina a rainforest. This is coming from a guy whose pubes are longer than his dick.
Getting cock-blocked by Jeff Bridges. NOT OKAY.
I'll be there. With Doritos and whisky. Don't expect much more.
Prepare for tons of dick. I mean dick by the bucket loads. Waterfalls if cock.
I must have drunkenly masturbated really loud last night, cause my roommate and his wife wont look at me
Sometimes you get drunk and fall out of a car. I never said it was glamorous.
Sorry I can't go bowling with you guys. I'm getting daytime dick. That's the best kind.
pretty sure I just came the closest to throwing up in my pants that I'm ever gonna get. I'd like to thank the academy and the hangover thatt I hope actually kills me in the morning.
Relationships are fuckin' work. And you can't just up and leave with no questions when you really just need to get home because you're about to shit your pants.
You're so wise.
OMG -- There are strippers in the bathroom crying because their power moves aren't good enough to win the competition
He called yelling about whhhhhhiskey and enchiladas I heard sirens in the background last time I talked to him b
Randomize
