Sometimes your consistent use of proper punctuation makes me nervous D:
he's my edward cullen
I am pretty sure Edward Cullen never had an all-day drinking binge topped off with some blow.
I am tired of kissing girls with mustaches.
she likes to give head while listening to britney spears, getting blown by a girl with headphones on is a nice level of separation
you kept falling over in mid-conversation and you just got right back up as if nothing happened...
i woke up to find out i shared my bed with a full, open can of natty light last night and didnt spill it. then i drank it for breakfast.
I was arrested last night for attempting to flee and elude. I wasn't really trying to run from the police. I was drunk and lost in the woods. I thought it was pretty obvious when I was waving at them from my puddle of puke that I wasn't really hiding.
Yeeeaahhh, I'm in no rush to dismiss a level 6 booty-call that pays my bar tabs and understands my Harry Potter obsession.
You just get me....like our souls are boning in the spirit world
Does it still count as a valentine if it's drunk phone sex at 3 in the morning
I yelled "NO FLEX ZONE!!!" at the guy that thinks it's cool to take off his shirt at the party then proceeded to puking
Sexual favors are the only currency recognized by the Republic of Greg
Basically all I do anymore is get stoned with my cats, and then we share goldfish.
He told me he was cooking me a special dinner tonight. His "five star meal" was popcorn in champagne glasses, and chic fil a sauce in jello shot containers to dip the popcorn in. He still tries to convince me he doesn't smoke weed anymore.
why does every cop we meet know your name?
Randomize
