Your face is a jimmy john
I introduced my face to asphalt last night. They didn't get along.
i would totally switch to progressive if they'd let me bang that girl in the commercial.
i keep walking around campus wondering if anyone is as stoned as i am
a fat lady just tried to bring a cooler stuffed full with burger kid through airport security. christ I'm going to miss the midwest.
I still have your handprint on my ass. You're not allowed to ignore me yet.
we were boning in the bathroom when her boyfriend came upstairs. I wish i could remember what happened next more clearly, because it had to have been hilarious
New rule : you aren't allowed anything . Ever .
I tried to take a photo for proof but couldn't hold my penis, camera, and measuring tape all at the same time.
Sorry about the voicemail last night, people in hostel thought getting the clap from cheating on me wasn't enough and you hearing a 6 foot 5 Swedish dude bang the shit out of me was needed.
At second job interview this week. Wearing pants to hide pole dancing bruises. This my life.
She dressed up in a sexy maid outfit for me, but she got mad when I asked her to actually do some cleaning.
I'm drinking apple juice and champagne while watching crossroads..like the classy bitch that i am.
yea, she was legit pissed that her rasberry vodka ice cubes never actually froze. but we couldnt convince her otherwise.
WE ARE DOING DRUGS AND GOING TO THE STRIP CLUB SATURDAY LADIES
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