Hows this for an invention: a toilet that weighs your poop
are you drunk enough to hook up with me yet?
I just bought a CD. I feel like a traitor to my generation.
Found a joint walking to class. I feel like the environment is rewarding me for being green.
My new excuse for sleeping with him was in celebration of his cat's birthday.
i just ran into my boss at the liquor store. we didnt exchange words, just nodded in mutual understanding.
we are sitting in a kindergarden classroom alone chugging beer. look at our lives. look at our choices.
Noooo. I told you she WAS a cancer. Not that she HAS cancer. This was the one time being a doctor didnt get you laid you alcoholic bastard
Woke up with chlamydia and a bruised rib. I'd say my boss is gonna be mad about me not showing up to work, except you know.. it's her fault.
I'm sorry I keep having sex wth your friends. I'm done, for real. Unless cole is interested. Other than that, I'm done.
I can't sleep. Send Llama pictures.
Seriously, why do I have a mortar round?
I love standing in line at rite aid for 10 minutes being forced to talk to my ex's mom about life while I'm holding nothing but yeast infection cream
my ex finally blocked me on all social media and tbh I'm only pissed because his roomate just got a puppy
Puking out the window is really hard when you're the one driving.
Randomize
