I told you not to have sex with her on my futon
I didnt dude, i swear!
either that or you were eating mayo, which was the second thing i told you not to do on my futon
i can't believe i had a foursome before a threesome
He was sweet. He even warned me that his dick curved, and I quote, "more than a banana."
I've really got to stop smuggling half full bottles of beer out of bars in my purse.
If we get out of this alive, I'm never going to a Denny's at 3 am again.
I'm okay with corrupting his young mind.
Ew! He's just a child!
AND I'M GONNA SHOW HIM HOW TO MAKE ONE.
I woke up on your bathroom floor, i used your towel I found laying on the floor as a cape to get to your bed. I thought it would help me walk straight if I looked like a superhero
My heart stopped for a sec, but I snorted what I believe was cocaine off the floor, and I'm back in the fight
Oh I see how it is...you can snap chat the world your balls but I wear dinosaur feetie pajamas and I'm the "weird one"
Just fell off my bed trying to pose and take a nude for you. Probably broke my wrist
Im sorry you'll never get the feeling of closeness when you go to pee outside and you realize you're peeing right where someone else just peed
While he was going down town Julie brown, I was eating French fries. True Love
SPICY FOODS AND BLOWJOBS DON'T MIX.
YOU SAID YOU'D TRY ANYTHING ONCE YOU LIAR
I just smoked weed out of a tomahawk, then chased an armadillo with said tomahawk, I love my life.
I'm on a walk of shame carrying YOUR pants. You owe me.
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