Why don't I have your new number? And who have I been texting?
dude just tell them you don't wear clothes. they'll understand
I have been standing totally still for the past 6 minutes because I was convinced my foot was tied to the ground. It turns out it was a string of hair strewn across my foot
I just wanna buy a tempur-pedic so i can drink in bed and not spill
Even My mom was ashamed of me bringing her home, she pulled me aside, and told me i can do better than, "butter faces"
I blacked out after the shots of canned lobster bisque.
Now have a vodka water and get your shit together
AND OMG I HOPE YOU ARE GREAT WITH CHILD. COOK THAT BUN!
I was trying to be quiet until started to feel like my cock was being dipped in a rainbow and then I stopped caring temporarily
I would rather get explosive diarrhea at the aquarium than go home alone tonight
We had hangover sex and then I called a taxi home. Told him I didn't want his number because, if it was meant to be, we would fuck again. He called me the queen of one night stands.
You know you're too drunk when you start calling people out for unfollowing you on social networks.
Yeah I know my dick is weird, but I've surprisingly had a lot of fun with it.
i need you to come over and tell me if you can notice that i'm only wearing a teddy underneath my trenchcoat
I almost suffocated in that mask but she kept calling me Jeremy so I kept it on.
Randomize
