he spit gasoline on a tiki torch to impress a girl. he caught on fire but did get laid. success.
3am cut off hipster s***'s afro on porch. Opened champagne. Felt like delilah cutting off samson's hair. Then shower & anal. So I guess his powers are intact.
I'm not high anymore, I decide when it's done.
his pick up line was "wanna get a pizza and fuck?"
did it work
that's not the point...
I ishhh haha are u coming nack easyer?
the fact that I know you're asking me if I'm coming home for easter makes me believe I speak fluent vodka.
well i had to explain to their mom why the kids i babysit for won't stop repeating the phrase "nice juicy guido"
i wish the dell website had a "did you drink an entire bottle of rum and stepped on your laptop which shattered the screen this weekend and would like to know how to fix it without your parents finding out FAST?" link on their homepage.. i can't be the only one
Idk, you were a drunk pirate that kept stealing pieces of people's costumes to keep as your booty.
That would explain all the random shit in my room...
So I totally just used margarita salt for a body scrub.
Well when I got home you were sitting at the table eating cold, leftover taco meat. I'd say you were pretty far gone by that time.
if Anne Taylor knew what she did in her clothes, she'd be banned from the store.
oh come on, it's the perfect length summer dress to blow a stranger in the bathroom in
moms trying to set me up with a 28 year old. hes graduated university like im getting high in my bed and he's an adult
Everything is fine, it's not hung over in here at all\n\n*Narrator* *but in fact everything was not fine*
He is in my tree wearing full on scuba gear ... Get here asap.
He's a douche. But I like the way he chokes me.
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