In America we eat man semen.
Yeah, I was googling pictures of sharks, and I accidentally typed "shart." Huge mistake.
just spent the last 4 hours covering his room in sticky notes. Viva Drunk Thursdays.
in my defense i said 'lock up your wives' before going out.
No. Her boobs are the one spot of warmth in my life right now and I will not let you take them from me.
Careful, it's a slippery slope to discovering you're bisexual...trust me.
nothing like going to the bathroom, running into the wall, thinking its a person and saying"its ok i just had the 4 beers" even the wall knew i was lying
Somehow my drug dealer is stuck in my air-vent and now everything smells like patchouli, weed, deoderant and sweat.
My Canadian brought me three bottles of maple syrup, a sunflower, and a pair of Oakleys back to the states...he's either drunk or he loves me
It's 2:10 am I am sprawled on the floor of the kitchen drunk and eating cold chicken wings come help
My purse is like an anchor I can't move I am sliding around like an over turned turtle send help
This floor is really dirty send a maid if you can
Are you proud of yourself?
ask me again when I'm drunk. Then fuck off.
I'm trying to arrange "Flawless" to come on as soon as I get up to leave the room after my thesis defense. Bow down bitches indeed.
Just showed my drunk fiancé where I got circumcised, she's been crying for twenty minutes.
I just called my grandma crying, apologizing for being the first grandchild to have premarital sex...I'm either about to start my period or pregnant.
...hi
YOU SHOULD BE ASHAMED OF YOURSELF
Ok cool I was afraid you'd never speak to me again. I can work with this.
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