When I came home you were watching infomercials, eating croutons out of the box and salsa from a funnel. Well done.
he cried for an hour, then he threw up on my lap then started singing party in the usa...opera style...
So he didn't pull out. And I like flipped out. And the he told me to chill and opened up a drawer full of packs of Plan B and handed me one.......
I vomited in the sink and my bra was in there...I don't even have words to describe this hangover confusion
I need to cry about outer space to someone. Can I call you?
Not sure if this is better or worse than the discovery that bourbon and hot chocolate is a viable combo
I made him say "i realize i'm cheating on my girlfriend" five times aloud before i would hook up with him. Somehow that has to lessen my bad karma
As we're eating sushi she goes I just want to get a disease so my mom can take care of me... Great first date
Taking Gomer to the ER. He tore something trying to stretch his nutsack enough to put his balls in his own ass. I need new friends.
Eating pizza and drinking wine while I watch the Victoria's Secret Fashion Show. The wine is for reducing the pain of falling asleep with more insecurities than what I woke up with.
You got pulled on stage by a stripper who wore ruffled ankle socks and did jumping jacks for her dance. Then you were put in a chokehold by a security guard that almost cried because you supposedly said "fuck you!" to him.
NO HOOKUPS IN THE CAR. I will try as i might to practice what i preach, but there are no guarantees.
It's probably not healthy how legit bummed I am that my bottled of wine is gone.
why do you keep saying "she looks like a porn star" like thats a bad thing?
It probably doesn't matter because I'm drunk...but I'm sorry for getting you drunk, having you almost lose your place to live, all your friends, permanently lose your liver functions, throwing up on my floor, losing virginity...etc...mostly I'm sorry for making you watch: cabin in the woods.
Randomize
