The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
dude we were spooning naked in bed with her ass in my crotch. she sharted in her sleep all over my dick.
UPDATE: In a passionate fit of self love, I brought myself to orgasm under the moon on my 7th floor balcony, ejaculating between the rungs towards the ground.
Unfortunately, I did not realize that most of it would end up on the balcony below mine.
At least you don't cum in color.
I just told this girl who bought a pregnancy test "good luck"
I had to convince you not to write "happy birthday to the first guy who fingered me" on his facebook wall, right above the post from his current girlfriend's mother.
Today the house voted to defund Planned Parenthood but to continue funding NASCAR. I fucking hate everything.
I mean, I'm twenty four years old and I've never paid for my own drink. You can't say that any of your ex girlfriends boobs are THAT great.
He's sweet and rough. A wonderful contradiction. He's the starburst of sex.
Just bought weed from the ice cream man. The kid in front of me got a tootie fruitie.
We found him. He was passed out in a McDonalds booth with at least 6 big Mac wrappers. The employee said he kept yelling that he was in America and had the freedom to have big macs. Fucking Italians...
We are such grown women, dealing with life's problems one shower beer and reckless makeout session at a time.
Tacos and sex are way better than any anti depressant pill ever was. I think I made a medical discovery here.
See I insist I'm not a groupie and then I say things like "will bang for a backstage pass".
You were cussing me out in sign language, and slurring your signs.
That's some kind of record drunk there...
Very mixed signals tonight. He gave me the best handjob while gloating about the Superbowl to his dad on the phone. When he was done he left me on the sofa alone for ten minutes before returning with wet wipes beer and nachos.
Randomize
