this girl looks like the female version of brooke hogan
In hindsight maybe we should have moved his homework instead of playing quarters on top of it.
You'll be the guy with the raft that sells burritos on the river. You'd be legendary.
Make good choices ;) This is your automated cockblock message
She's good at three things and two of them involve dicks. And other one involves her love for arts
got woken up at 7:30 by a drunk girl asking me where she was... apparently she slept on my futon
she was in a cheetah costume
someone just drove by blasting livin on a prayer and threw like 6 bagels out the window... was it you?!
Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"
Was there a condom involved? Because he was saying he wanted a kid. Repeatedly.
he had a Pillsbury dough boy tattoo to remind him of his drug dealing days
I want you to get off the plane and get directly into my pants
The Stanley Cup Final is killing me. I can't go to work drunk again.
What shade of lipstick clearly states, I'm only attending this wedding for the drugs and groomsmen?
I always know im high when I can't remember how to pee.
You know the story of the boner party, right? They got stuck in the mountains and ate each other?
It was the Donner party... boner party was the porn version...
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