You know that restaurant that is like over by home depot?
That shitty one? I heard the food sucks there
It's my parent's restaurant
He seemed more like the type to get donkey punched by a she-male hooker to me
i killed an earwig and left its corpse on the wall as a warning
we were dressed as cave people and he kept telling everybody i was so easy a caveman could do it.
okay so i know you are missing your wallet but at least its not your tooth. i am missing my tooth.
Housekeeping called in a homicide detective. Just spent an hour explaining that we had vigorous hotel vacation sex five times, even though I was having a heavy flow day. It'll definitely be what you call a memorable honeymoon.
The cop and I then joined forces to get you up off the sidewalk.
It's official. Hawaii is 100% better when you're stoned.
Tom is laying in a bathtub filled with ice pretending to be a polar bear.
I fucking, woke up on a couch with a towel as a blanket to someones lion king ringtone.
You ever just wake up and decide, today I'm going to eat a whole bag of fritos and a tub of cream cheese
When i sexted him a pic of my boobs I was worried he was going to notice the dorito crumbs and know I was just eating topless
Eating power bars and masterbating... That's kinda my life right now. Is this what having a boyfriend means?
I accused him of not drinking enough alcohol and eating tacos after midnight. I was sober and he's not a gremlin. I would say bad.
What conversation warrents "penis" in rainbow comic sans
Randomize
