Please stop sending me picture messages of your shit. Seriously. I don't care if it looks like popcorn chicken.
WISH UPON A TAMPON
They constantly get farther than me.
tampons.
You love me.
That's because, tragically, I adore whores.
dinner with the girl I motorboated last semester wasn't as awkward as I thought it would be
I get drunk and say inappropriate things... you get drunk and sleep with inappropriate people. it's what we do.
He had a beer bottle in each of his back pockets and was on rollerblades. All I remember is following him for about 10 minutes
Not exactly sure why you felt the need to get the halloween decorations out. But waking up to 7 carved pumpkins really scares the shit out of you.
You kept me hostage in your driveway until you got your point across that alaska has warm weather
I was wearing my get used bookstore shirt when we fucked. Ironic yet appropriate.
My jeans are ripped and her glitter was all over me.. My walk of shame looked like I fucked a unicorn last night
I just got my beard fondled by a drunk chick outside the venue. I feel slightly violated. And I think her boyfriend wanted to fight me.
I drank enough to tranq a steed. You really missed out
he took my bra off with his teeth, THEN decided he just wanted to make out and cuddle. i don't know what the female version of blue balls is, but i've been living with it since 1 a.m.
Your life is a soap opera of great sex, cats, and booze.
Just hit on a girl with the line, "You look like Natalie Portman if she did drugs". Strike 1
Randomize
