If that ambulance is off to save our dignity, please tell them it's too late...
That's when you crack a 10am beer
ok so i jsut did the walk of shame with this random guy that i had sex with at the hotel party, and the lady at the front desk said "wow you're just now leavin?"
The only comparison I have for the iPhone is that it's like youre constantly getting a blow job
Well that's the first time I've woken up with wet jorts
You know you drank too much last night when your mouthwash tastes like water
Fyi your toilet is not contaminated. We'd have to scissor pretty hard to pass what I got.
My main goal for tomorrow night is to make it back into my own bed
Dude if you're not gonna answer them I'm gonna stop snapchatting you my hook ups
So I'm dropping a fat deuce at work, and the lock on the stall door slips and the door slides open, when suddenly someone comes in. Now I have two options, I can either get up quickly and try to shut the door quickly (not easy to do with one hand) or I can just sit there and play it off like it's no big deal and I always dump at work with the door open. I chose option two, and it was as awkward as it sounds.
When we got home I apparently addressed everyone as 'peasant' since it was my birthday, this followed by me demanding for my "peasants to wash me".
There is no way to say this. Dude, I peed your bed. No questions, no answers. My flight leaves in 30 minutes. Use my detergent. Also, THE VODKA IN THE FRIDGE IS YOURS.
The last time I saw her someone was carrying her on a bike and she was yelling that she was E.T.
My roommate just google searched "cumming blood" using my laptop. Her boyfriend is in her room, she looks scared. Words cannot explain how hilarious this is.
I was really surprised he asked for my number the next morning..... and my name.
Randomize
