Asian hipster sighting. About to tackle him and ask him to take me to chinatown
just printed 333 ways to get kicked out of wal-mart. hello thursday night.
I wonder if he has realized that I have poured all if those shots he bought into the tip jar
Made a vodka juice box out of a ziploc bag and a straw for when I drive. Doesn't count as an open beverage container anymore.
I know and I love you for your valets putting your thong on your seat
I just took a shower and found half a cookie melted under my boob. Please tell me there's a reason
My boss just sent an employee on an hour long paid break to pick up weed for our 'staff meeting' tomorrow morning.
I gave you a piece of bread to sober you up. You wiped your face off with it and then gave it back to me.
bringing my vibrator into the shower with me. if I don't text back in 30 minutes I have electrocuted myself and died.
May the force be with you.
HELP! How do I get paint off the dog?
Full disclosure. I fucked the fatty from work and shit is weird now.
Serio, who the fuck falls down coming offstage wearing nothing but pasties, a g-string, and a fake moustache, and now suddenly needs a tetanus shot. Me. That's who.
Masturbated furiously for a half hour; ate a fistful of chocolate, then took a nap. Woke up and finished wrapping presents. I've got this holiday thing down.
sitting in a shitty karaoke bar playing pokemon go and drinking a mimosa. how is your sunday night
somehow getting chased by a bulldozer was NOT on my to-do list for today. just saying
Randomize
