I'm sitting by the window waiting for the sun to go down so that I can start drinking.
there r dinosaurs outside my house i hear them
pretty sure those are just snow plows....go back to bed
I just masterbated while imagining him getting hit by a truck. I have hit a completely unacceptable level of anger & bitterness. Help.
no today was horrible, i woke up and somebody slit my car tire and left an apology letter in my wiper that said "sorry wrong house"
I'm so used to throwing up its no longer a game of hanging over the toilet. Now it's just 'stand up, aim for the toilet, do my thing' then walk out
It doesn't matter if I tell the story beginning to end or end to beginning, the story still starts with a random girl blowing me in the bathroom.
Then he took his girlfriend's fuzzy handcuffs and locked me to their bed. Key is in an unknown location. He's surprisingly idiotic, for being premed.
He only talks to me during the summer and it's probably because I let him fuck me in my pool last year.
How many beers are too many "cause it's Archer Thursday" beers?
Themes for tonight: men who look like bill Gates but sing smash mouth songs. Women who's names are also food. Haircuts that DO NOT cover bald spots.
i have to vacuum my washing machine now, asshole
You know you're high when, "Why can't I steal the duck?!" Becomes a serious question.
I saw an episode of cops that had one of my ex husbands on it.
I need to stop acting like a porn star that isn't getting paid
Once my new license was put into my hand, a light from the heavens shined down and pauly D's voice was in my mind saying ohh yeaaah 21 yeaaah
Randomize
