ya dads aren't the best wingmen
Strippers tramp stamp says "mom"
how do you say happy birthday to the guy that almost got you pregnant? i cant just write the same thing as last year.
hes like my own personal sex toy i use him on the weekends and then i have the option to put him away all week
Tonight that bitch will not be with him. You will drunkingly talk him out of this wedding. It is your duty as the one with the least amount of soul. Good luck.
During breaking dawn, he leaned over and asked me why she would have to worry about her period since she essentially just married a walking super-absorbant tampon... It was the best way to ruin those movies for me.
If I get over there and the april fools joke is that there's no HBO, I'm setting fire to the place.
Just watched an entire Mariachi band walk of shame home together. Halloween at its finest
he told me it was nice to see me not blacked out mumbling to myself in the front seat, I told him it was nice to see him not in handcuffs.
And suddenly....Tubas. Tubas everywhere.
The homeless woman that called me a "dirty looking cunt" the other day, was standing outside Starbucks today with a sign that said "Jesus loves you."
My boobs keep hanging out of this shirt. I think thats the style I'm going for tonight
I should stop using "Braveheart would do it" as a basis for decision making...
I just puke and rallied at my anniversary dinner #winning
Hey. You got pizza and sex. How much more can you ask for?
Randomize
