And God said, "Let there be Twilight," and it was so.
I should injure you considerably.
The best thing happened. Some guy was butchering Conway Twitty at karoke and the power went off in the whole bar. And someone shouted "you pissed jesus off when you messed with conway!"
did the hipsters beat you up because you are more ironic than they are?
You put a thong on my pumpkin didn't you.
I don't remember which guy I met at the bar is coming to pick me up. It will be like my birthday surprise.
You never go ass to mouth. That's quite possibly the most important rule Paramedic school has taught me.
this lesbian fantasy crush is getting WAY out of hand. just spent an entire meeting staring at her long fingers thinking, "oh those could be fun"
Got in a bar fight defending Prince. Thought you ought to know. He gets his dick sucked cooking eggs for breakfast.
oh and speaking of men I've slept with. Ryan lost 1/3 of a testicle zip lining
Hahah what did you even say to him?!
That I was gonna inflate his vagina with a leaf blower?
Oh.
my dad is now demonstrating how to start a fire with a tampon. happy fucking new year!
We'll just charge in there, all pant less and fabulous demanding he give back her ferret.
I've spent all afternoon taking and editing selfies. The life of a bimbo is truly tiring.
There's nothing wrong with using cocaine to keep my heart rate up in my fitness class.
It's a charity event and she's wearing a cocktail dress drinking a 40... I found my future wife
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