I am NOT getting arrested in a batman mask
you have to be so drunk to ignore a taser
I like to think that tonight was Jesus punishing James Cameron for his role in popularizing "My Heart Will Go On."
Look, all I'm sayin is $2 boilermakers and an expense account are probably a bad mix…
My mom assumed I was crying because he was leaving. Figured that was better than explaining my eye's sensitivity to semen..
No. Do you know how much this carpet cost? If she comes over, you put down towels this time. i'm so not kidding.
So I'm seriously debating forwarding these sexts to his horse faced new gf including the ones that say he still loves me... but I still need his check to clear... decisions decisions
should i go to class, or party with a mariachi band?
meriachi band is very tempting, do they have dos equis?
My mom legitimately hired a private eye on me. DO YOU KNOW HOW EXCITING MY LIFE JUST GOT???
You know i love you, but i just cannot fuck you until your eyebrow grows back. It's too hard not to laugh.
I have no concept of chastity or moderation, she is a Catholic guilt poster child, how could I not try to hit that
Can't feel body but making pizza rolls
I'm gonna watch porn and nap. I think I really have this Valentine's Day thing down
But seriously, I love having sex with you and simultaneously know I never wanna date you.
For a second I thought he was going to give me an intervention
You can't give interventions in a bar!
Randomize
