My wife caught me jerking off, I had to tell her I was thinking bout her
Just got the American Express annual summary for 2009. The amount of bars we visited last year is impressive.
This Casey James character from American Idol is really gonna mess up my sex life.
Or maybe the fact that you know who Casey James is will be what messes up your sex life.
explain the missing patches of hair on my cat. now.
Listen, what he fails to understand is that the Olive Garden does not equal pussy.
When are you comin back?
probably mid next week, depending on when i finish my remaining half gallons
Why don't we skip the roadtrip entirely, save us the trip, and go straight to jail?
You rubbing siracha on a cat with your feet is the opposite of what I want.
you stumbled up the stairs in your heels, pulled 23 one-dollar bills out of your bra and then went and puked in the toilet. didnt say a single thing to me the whole time
I don't give a damn about what he wants to do with his life. Personalities are for pussies.
I'm rearranging all my life goals to become a billionaire by 28 and batman by 30. Not kidding.
Also I stopped in the middle of the road and put my hazards on because BUNNIES WERE PLAYING
Mom just walked in with a bag of weed and funyuns. I'll talk to you later.
It's days like today that make me happy I'm not a porn star.
THERE IS JIZZ ON MY CEILING. HOW THE FUCK IS THERE JIZZ ON MY CEILING
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