Why do bread and butter chips remind me of eating out your mom?
Henry's handball, Tiger Wood's Car Crash, Roger Federer losing ... That's it....I'm throwing my Gillete away
I just called my cat a slut and she responded. Proudest moment ever.
You're the only person I know who would say "we'll play it by ear" referring to a threesome
Dude i thought about you literally the second after I came. This friendship is starting to cross some serious boundaries
I'm way to drunk for this play. I'm about to run up on stage and drop the main character
At second job interview this week. Wearing pants to hide pole dancing bruises. This my life.
We were so drunk that when I broke the bottom off a pint glass we decided to make it into a candle holder. How does that happen?!
That's the last time I get in a car with six rappers headed to god knows where.
By the way, do you realize that you asked me how much you could get for your eggs last night. And once you learned the price said that you had plenty to share.
This amicable friendliness is dull. We either need to start fighting or fucking around. I'll even let you pick.
We also had a full on debate about how realistic and useful teleportation and time travel would be...and only used Twilight Zone episodes as "scientific evidence"
I successfully navigated a full, lengthy interaction with my dad in which he never asked me if I was freshly baked. 10 points.
Yeah but who says we can't be shitfaced and tan at the same time?
Omg, new summer goal: sex in a bouncy castle.
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