Im so ripped right now that i just filled the almost empty bottle of choc syrup with milk and drank it straight out of the bottle. It was on pointttttt.
There are Star Wars cutouts in his basement. Obi Wan Kenobe watched me give him a handjob.
OH MY GOD DO YOU REMEMBER WISHBONE? DO YOU REMEMBER THAT LITTLE BITCH? WHAT'S THE STORY WISHBONE
Whatever you do tomorrow don't let me put on the Borat mankini and yell "POLAR PLUNGE!!" while diving into the pool
The pool is covered.....
Like that would stop me.
Sorry was covered in semen when you texted me. Just walking back from the Harvard Club
All you needed to say was one of those sentences and the other would've been implied.
Sorry. Not doing life today. Love to. But can't.
I know it's like I wanna bring somebody fun who I haven't drunkenly expressed my feelings for. Or hooked up with. It's a struggle.
My boss followed me on Twitter. Excuse me while I delete 90% of my tweets
Like I cant decide if he's like autistic or something or just seriously cock blocks himself on purpose with this shit
Hoping to get a pic of me on the tractor with an erection for you one of these days.
Can u pick me up? Lost my keys.
Sure. FYI- you "lost" them on the roof, trying to throw them over the house.
it was the most awkward makeout ever. it was record breaking really
...i feel like you have a lot of those.
Remember that one time you told the bartender he was fuckable? Well, he's here.
You said you made a new recipe, but it turned out you just cooked ramen with vodka instead of water.
Give me the sexing that I truly desire and I will reveal to you the mysterious location of the PBR's
Randomize