everything is bigger in texas. Including my drinking problem.
I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
I decided that $2 and a kiss on the cheek was a great tip for the pizza girl. No one is REALLY sure how much I've have to drink.
I just woke up with a bunch of French fries in my hand and a chocolate shake balancing on my pillow. Lovely.
That penis will go down in history. It's the Helen of Troy of dicks. I will conquer it and the tale will live on for future generations to learn from
You passed out while holding my hair during a blow job.. i think your gona have to earn back blow jobs
like seriously. this whole place is the shit. like i can move clouds. no other way to explain it but i can fucking move clouds.
You texted me a picture of your face along with #help
He tried to make small talk to hide the fact that he was struggling to unhook my bra... at least he tried right?
last night we were hooking up when all the sudden he just murmured "mm blonde". i don't know what to think about this situation.
You sent me a snapchat of you hugging a beer with the caption "best friend"
so, i guess i gotta chill on showing up to work hungover... someone anonymously left a bible in my work mailbox (no one else got one)
you are the root of all my greats nights and my worsts decisions
Good news!! I can adult!! 😂 turning down the strip club on a weeknight has become my crowning achievement ðŸ˜ðŸ˜‚
I woke up with what has to be a whole pack of smarties loose in my bra. Was that your fault?
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