My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
I woke up this morning and thought "Im sure I've seen this house in a porno" and instantly googlemapped myself
I swear to God, I saw my life flash between my legs.
IM NOT LETTING YOU PEE ON ME IF THATS WHAT YOURE GETTING AT.
Brutally Honest is my real middle name, Princess just sounds better.
i'm sitting pantsless eating potato chips and watching porn before he picks me up for our date. I hope he's ready for this...
I tried to tell him I love him but it came out something like "We're both fucked up and it works."
There's a time and a place for everything. Except for getting wasted at a work event, puking in the parking lot, and sleeping in your car overnight.
Totally. Bang on. He'll be fine. He might cry into your perfect tits once in a while, but that's the price ya pay.
hand jobs are a waste of time that only lead to arm cramps. Also, where do you look...his eyes, at the penis, at the tv?
yeah the "where to look" question is super awkward
Also I played a weird game of chicken in the ladies room at work between myself the person pooping 2 stalls over and a very determined maintenance man.
Fuck you fireball...just straight up fuck out of here
Why'd you print out every dick pic you've ever received and tape them to the bathroom walls?
I accidentally told my mom I broke my drug nail this weekend
He asked me if I've ever had my ass ate and there was no polite way to say yeah your brother's pretty in to that 😂 I went with "no"
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