I made the bartender pinky promise me there was still vodka in my drinks.
i'm pretty sure they aren't charging me for that window i broke with a turkey sandwich while i was hammered.
After the concert, I paid a cab to drive me around the city so I could shout "dc highfive!" at everyone who passed for an hour and a half.
I have got to stop assigning last names to girls I get numbers from based on what I think will remind me of them... Sarah Petrydish is not an acceptable memory trigger
I sleep with the gay men, they no longer have questions about their sexuality. No strings attached at it's finest and i get new shopping buddies out if it. It really is a win win situation.
You are my idol.
Ok well I'll be up all night studying if you need a wake up call or a place to put your penis.
It looked like his dick was wearing an argyle sweater.
I've been called an asshole for a lot of things in my life, but I never thought it would be because of potatoes
Hey I was just wondering if you could go look for my teeth?
I knew it was going to be a good night when my mom said "Have fun, be safe...wait, do you need any weed for tonight?"
Did I wash my face last night at your house? Where did my eyebrows go??
Im so hungover I just threw up at the sight of a CARTOON CRABBY PATTY
Casually blacked out last night and apparently told him he couldn't come back to bed until he got me Taco Bell.
Just had a threesome with my best friend and LSAT teacher...just checked three things off my bucket list in one night
Everyone has seen your nipples. It's like asking if they ever walked on grass. You need better hangover questions.
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