Like all of my pajamas are shirts of guys I shacked with in college
ever seen your mom drunk enough to lick your face? i have
i'm pretty sure i saw my life flash before my eyes when we ran a red light. i continued to drink and be the drunk backseat driver.
I'm on my "fiiiiirrrst" glass of wine- the quotes mean it's the last of the bottle- so I really need you to pick up your phone so we can talk about this
eta to your mouth 5 minutes
Just so you know the unusual amount of skittles on your floor is entirely your own fault. You bought me 20 bags of them while I was high.
I never thought wine and chicken nuggets would end up being a thing that I did, but here we are
I've started budgeting for next year. It looks like I'll be crying tears of dollar bills and handing them over to pay back my unholy college debt.
She shows up drunk at 3am for sex and then punches me straight in the eye in the middle of it because "you're too nice."
I said he looked like a lumberjack and that's when he came. I guess he liked the beard compliment?
I woke up in your kitchen with my ID in my hand and my nails were painted electric blue. Dude.... never let me have fireball again.
There's no button for "gave my boyfriend's cock to a friend" on my intimacy calendar.
You're wasting your dick. It needs to be bestowed upon the masses.
He got me to hold his phone, wallet, keys and pants while he hooked up with another girl.
besides the unzipped fly, the black eye and the toilet paper on your shoe you looked really sexy today baby!
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