i could't wear that belt anymore, it was gonna make me keep shitting for the rest of the night
I had to stop messing around with him for fear of laughing in his face. I swear it was a pinky finger in his pants
At least you weren't that one girl in the bar that was letting everyone draw on her in sharpie. Worst decision I've ever witnessed.
Your ability to be a slut in your nightmare astounds me
hey, haven't seen your testicles in a while...you 3 still alive?
I left you pizza on the porch. I didn't want to wake you, if you were passed out on the bathroom floor again. Sorry if it's cold.
Land Before Time marathon. we drink every time littlefoot almost eats a treestar.
He like walks around to open car doors for me. Has already held my hair while I barf and still likes me. What. Is. Happening.
UPDATE: lighting the grill with Bacardi. Haven't slept. Forgot the hamburger buns. Almost out of our eighth handle.
Periouds do not concern me. Biploogival needs are buological needs.
I guess she fell asleep at the strip club and the other one was crying because she had a vagina in her face. Happy 21st!
Listen, dont tell me about your day or that your mom is in town. Don't ask me to drive you to the airport or proofread your paper. Text me when and only when you have a boner. Oh and take your pants off and leave your front door unlocked because I'm coming over.
I looked into this "it's just lunch" matchmaker thing and it was like 5 grand. If I'm gonna spend five grand I'll throw in another three and get new tits and find my own fucking husband.
He was walking around and kept offering the neighbors flamingo lawn ornaments shots of vodka.
We still getting married? Or were you day drinking
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