I just fired a shotgun out of the back of a truck going 60. i am going to miss oregon.
So i just got diagnosed with swine flu. im at walgreens looking like shit and this guy keeps staring at me. Im so gonna cough in his face.
well, dont
I didnt. i just coughed then looked at him menacingly. he got it.
He left an unopened 12 pack of beer by my bed. I guess that's his way of saying thanks for the sex..
so apparently mom and dad slept together on the first date
i guess it runs in the family.
Ok but if you die you have to get "I should've listened to Mike" carved into your tombstone
When I was with you my penis felt like a fat woman crammed into a pair of lulu lemons
You know you're old when tea and a hot bath are more appealing than beer pong with lesbians.
her vagina just converted me to Judaism.
Mixing coffee with vodka may have been a bad choice, I feel like I'm pregnant and the baby is trying to perform a c-section from the inside.
I asked this couple what they would like to drink and they leaned toward me eagerly and asked if we still have THE root beer ... Idk if this is code for please add cocaine to my drink
Shotgunning beers to finish a midterm project at 3am is a good idea right?
Are you sexting with minion stickers right now?
Found a trail of Taco Bell hot sauce packets through the garage to our back door and cheese in my bra. I'll say it was a successful Sunday Funday.
A relationship is waiting for him to fall asleep so you can cum (finally!) while watching porn
I smell like a mix of alcohol, sweat, and sex and its only 10 AM
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