we did it on the carpet and she just yells out "OH. MY PSORIASIS".
so i was eating a special k bar this morning for breakfast and started choking on it so i reached into my bag for water turns out it was liquor.
I don't know why people felt they couldn't use the toilet with me passed out in the tub. I shut the curtain. It was like being in another room.
i've been lying on top of my bed for the past 20 minutes
i'm about to blow half an adderall though and try to rally
you came out with your cock in between the legs of a balloon animal. Maybe she'll think you have a sense of humor.
What kind of balloon animal was it?
I'm dealing with this like an adult, cupcakes and beer.
Lol okay. He's gonna show up with like a trunk of sex toys. He's like the mary poppins of hotel fucking.
That works. I won't care. I'll be a mermaid. Mermaids don't give a fuck.
Especially drunk mermaids.
When asked if they had been introduced, Damo said "No but I know we've pretty much fucked all the same girls in town"
I just walked away from a youth soccer tournament popping every birth control pill I had left in the pack.
Do I need to call and sing lullabies? Because that's creepy, but I'm a really good friend.
I don't think tits should taste like fish.
We went there specifically for you to break it off with him and I walk in on you two in the bathroom with his dick in your mouth
but he had pizza... so i win
I give up.
I just spent 45 minutes and a really well-put together Power Point trying to convince her to use my dog as baby Jesus in her church's play.
It’s a good thing I’m the only one in the office today. My boy toy stopped by and now there is jiz all over my desk and couch
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