OK...I gotta go get strawberry short cake cakes and knee pads
the only reason he called me tonight was because I fertilized his crops on farmville.
when the lights went off, all i could see was the glowing of the camera light in the closet... i got the fuck out of there so fast.
she wants me to text her or call her all the time when we are apart...this is not high school...
he asked me if i had ever jacked off high and then referred to it as a "man-to-man question"
she was throwing up and singing "I HAD a feeling that tonight was going to be a good good night." And yeah she was still in her dress.
oh my god. i just found my camera... on top of the bush outside of my house. never let me drink everclear again
Just woke up to my stoned boyfriend building a shrine around my bare ass. He'll never leave me.
My dildo fell into the bathtub. It sounded like a chainsaw.
Dude this deaf chick is totally hot, I just bought an apartment on boner ave
I AM COVERED IN FAKE BLOOD AND REAL CUM. I AM AWESOME
Apparently chalking everything I've done these past 48 hours to the fact that it was homecoming, is like a "get out of jail free" card.
So, in keeping with the last two years, are we going to watch the new Hobbit movie on acid again? It's kinda starting to feel like a Christmas tradition.
This drunk girl kept yelling for water so I dipped a cup in the toilet and gave it to her. She was thanking me all night.
It's 6am and I had to explain to the gas station attendant why I didn't have shoes on and I'm covered in maple syrup.
Randomize
