This guy sitting next to me just bought a plot of land off the internet. On a whim. In the middle of class
He must hate going to the bathroom. Every time he does he is reminded how small his dick is.
Do you think Tom Brady went home tonight and changed his facebook status to "pink with lace"?
My nipple rings set off the metal detector at the courthouse this morning.
yep. it's official. for $40 they will let you lick the stripper pole.
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
Listen, don't freak out when you walk out on me masturbating in front of my roommate. No homo. He just needs to be put to his place.
We are a team. I lure them in with my tits, feed them enough alcohol to consider homosexuality, and hand them off to you.
You're the best wingman ever.
Tune in tm morning for how to buy Plan B in a foreign country while coming down off ecstasy
It's astonishing how many Ludacris lyrics you know
It's dollar drink night and I have my honors society initiation tomorrow. Somehow I think this will not end well.
Swear on my life the dude next to us just ordered a pizza and I will fight to the death for a slice
You are cut off. Your giant penis and crazy awesome sex is ruining my body...
Accidentally texted co-worker instead of bf “I’m wfh tomrw. Nooner? 💦”
I have a bag of frozen peas on my vagina. If you want to talk about real problems.
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