Just tried calling my phone on my phone because i thought i lost my phone.
I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
So.. my mom just told me she hasn't gotten laid in 7 years... I'm really disturbed.. at the same time... At least now I know why shes so damn cranky all the damn time
Please don't tell me you're asking me to have sex with your mother.
i just got arrested. apparently dont move means dont move.
the trick is not to think about where her tounge has been.
My friend and I just coined a new term. OBJ. The obligatory blow job. You totally know what I'm talking about.
Like if he goes down on you first, or you just don't want to bone him yet. OBJ.
You wouldn't be the first friend to shit himself in the last 7 days
they drunkenly created an obstacle course for the poor hamster and its ball.
Nah its cool some of my cousins have fucked the same girls and brought them on family vacations and everything.
Dude that soap I drank last night is fucking killing me.
Turns out the old man beside me in the waiting room was dead, but other then that it was a good day.
If if makes you feel any better, you're definitely the hottest guy I've ever friendzoned.
well apparently i was just calling everyone cunts. then i awoke from my blackout to 3 very mad roommates who didn't bring a key out with them
I ate too many pot brownies and passed out topless with my boobs painted like the American flag
I wish i didn't black out tuesday so i could have cherished our moment together
Throwing up together is NOT a cherishable moment...
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