Gave out candy dressed as a porn star...bet you can guess how the mothers kept reacting.
My brother brings gifts into my room to wrap them. It's a pizza cutter and a box of condoms..
just threw up in the bushes outside my lecture hall. sometimes i hate the freedom college gives you.
no. you're not making a beach trip out of my abortion.
Beer bonged 7 shots of Jameson. I title this night short stories with tragic endings.
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
I should probably go to bed before I start to care about why I started drinking in the first place.
I forgot how weird my hair bleaches and now I'm a calico
You can wake up to my rainbow of failure
When they send me to rehab, I'm screaming your name down the halls.
A stripper just invited me to her daughter's birthday. Where did my life go wrong?
At one point we were both in the bathroom and i was taking a shit while holding your hair as you puked in the sink. Friendship.
Denim handjobs are the worst handjobs. I hate all handjobs. Why do people even.
If I send you a picture of a dick will you give me your honest reaction?
AND I HAVE A NICE COCK! A STRIPPER TOLD ME SO IT MUST BE TRUE!
i just went to hell in the tanning bed. i think god is giving me a preview of what is in store if i keep getting drunk everyday.
Randomize
