My astrological sign? Vagitarius.
yeah that always happens. i'm like the where's waldo of parties. i never even know where the fuck i'm at.
He tried to say "god bless your heart" to the stripper but it came out "god bless your pussy"
Idk what else to talk about besides you paying for half of my vaginaplasty.
Miller High Life will be the death of me. Well, that and shower sex.
I feel like it'll be a success as long as she doesn't end up dead in a ditch. There has to be a line somewhere.
I literally got so drunk last night, I texted myself "porpoises" and that was it. I have no recollection of this.
Does the room smell any better?
Yeah, i sprayed perfume. It smells like Victoria's Secret, if Victoria's secret was that she was homeless.
I heard them banging and it sounded like he was trying to stuff a fucking coconut into her
Do you think the firemen will remember me?
Yes. But you were sloppy, sobbing, and puked on two of them. You won't get in their pants.
what are you going as for halloween?
drunk, naked, & emotionally unstable
Umm...sounds like a maybe. I broke my nose and have surgery next wed but if I'm ok by Friday I'm down.
Excuse you? I'm an asshole at least 90% of the time. Get it right.
hey can you come unlock the basement door? I'm trapped in here.
no I can't, you're a safety hazard. but, there's a beer keg down there somewhere. we don't have cups, but help yourself.
All I remember is being in the middle of the road puking and my bestfriend cheering me on from the passenger seat...
Randomize
