I got a chicken sandwich and a frosty out of her. Better then having sex
She pulled a cheeseburger out of her purse. I have missed her so much.
don't worry about the neighbors I'm like 99% sure all that snow covered a good portion of our vomit
he was so nervous about his first time.. it was like michael j. fox trying to put on a condom...
Someone is gonna learn how to start an IV in the morning
the story is to long to tell you via txt so when you notice the tattoo on your ass call me.
I went to grab his drink and my hand grazed his dick. It was magical.
You need to come over. I cant get her to stop eating honey mustard straight from the squeeze bottle
Do you remember trying to use a pencil, pen, and sunglasses as your second form of ID at the bar when they wouldn't let you in last night?
I was trying to get everyone to go to the bar but I puked on my hands, so nobody took me seriously.
my make-up looks really good tonight. I swear it had nothing to do with me finishing all of your strawberry vodka.
Yeah we do. It needs to be like a good penis- long, substancial, and able to make people cry.
I just wanna get drunk in a castle. Is that so much to ask?
I just woke up with a pair of handcuffs in my pants, can u explain this?
I just woke up with a cowboy hat on my face and a playboy from the 90s on my chest
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