Pre-pickelized cucumber-hand invasion!! RUN!!!!!!!!!!
If he starts "inventing" things cut him off. The last thing he invented was chocolate chip green beans and he destroyed my kitchen
I just walked by a party bus on my way to study. God hates me.
Just quiet vomiting, and in between heaves she mumbled "be the pro"
She poured a bottle of rum in the champagne fountain, did like 5 jello shots at the same time, then lit herself on fire. Twice. This is how everyone should turn 21.
Just because Aaron is a gender neutral name does not mean I am letting you name your baby after a drug dealer
You just handed me your ATM card and wrote your PIN number on a dollar bill and said "for bail money."
We were dancing and she was clawing my stomach like a fat kid getting to a half broken pinata.
Revised rule: don't put your dick in the general vacinity of mental instability.
Not even dry humping. Not even a little bit.
I almost lit my balls on fire tonight.
I just power puked in the office bathroom.. blew blood vessels in my eyes and now I'm ready for a donut.... success
I don't understand why your family and sex lives should EVER overlap.
Now that I've quit blow, I think I'm allergic to my cat....
EW HE LOOKS LIKE SOMEONE'S DAD
Definitely accidentally brought drugs into Disneyland. Considering using them.
Randomize
