cab driver says "I saw your friend who opens her legs. she went home with two guys." pretty sure he was talking about you
phone sex would be way better if there was an app for that...
you told the cop you blew a .08 because you ate poppy seeds
cliffnotes. writing studyguide on last pack of smokes. glad this semester is over.
i don't think my dad can get all that mad since he got arrested for almost exactly the same thing last weekend
I banged her roommate when she was gone. She came back with a chicken sandwich and a bj. Then she said " smells like my roommates vagina" I think I can get a threesome tonight
I just farted and its sounded like it was disappointed in me.
He's sending me pics of Yellowstone scenery...the only thing I can think is "I would have sex next to that waterfall"
In 2014 only three boys have seen my boobs so far
The only people who really get me are strippers and mascots for sports teams.
Today, I lack passion for anything but Taco Tuesday.
You have got to be the only man who has passed out while getting a lap dance.
Tonight is an "I'm lonely and single so I'm going to curl up in a warm, melatonin and vodka enriched ball in the corner of my bed with a cat." kind of night.
I just learned that I could drop out of school and spend the rest of my savings on a giraffe are you free this weekend
Same way I cope with everything else. With dildos, dunkin and depeche mode
Randomize
