We found him pissing on the sidewalk in his socks signing the national anthem. I love you summer.
He insisted on us having sex while watching the biggest loser and asked me if I could "resist the temptation".
So my birthday was awesome. Only remember 45 min of it but I woke up with a girl on the couch and a half bowl of ground beef
Btw. Made out with a random kid at a frat. It's all good though. He invited us to his frat party tomorrow so yay! For having plans!
I don't know what possessed you to do that, but you have to give the stripper more money before you try to check her oil or they are going to throw us out every time you do that.
Don't feel bad, we're professionals and we just housed burgers in burger king singing I believe I can fly
I may have played more drinking games with my family this last week than all of freshman year...
Just blowing bubbles with my nipple rings in my shower.
You always make things weird.
You showed your tits for hundreds of beads but magically became shy when there was food on the line
I will read books by day and do guys by night. A mental and physical enlightenment, if you will.
I thought I needed to get laid. Turns out I just needed pasta.
I just woke up in his bed.. in a cardboard castle, with a Justin Bieber poster on the ceiling staring down at me, cuddling with 4 empty PBR cans. I win.
I just found out how I got home last night. The bartenders found me sitting in the brush peeing and called me a cab. Have you seen my underwear?
Bro i just made a pipe out of a mechanical pencil and the top to an eye drop bottle. Does that make me some kind of pot god?
I'm totes in the mood to go home and like blindly inhale dangerous amounts of porn
Randomize
