i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
I just want you to know that were having pizza delivered to the emergency room
ok so hold on... from what i hear... thank you... i'm sorry... and your welcome.
This is one of those times where I really wish my vagina could tell me what happened last night.
We're playing fucking games. GAMES. THIS IS BULL SHIT. IM GOING TO THROW UP ON THE BABIES AND LEAVE.
Ya know what's been the best part of this College Football Season? Not having to hear Brent Musberger say the Honey Badger 77 fucking times.
Lets think Pancakes and sausages into existence
When you went off to sleep with that guy that looked like a dirty Jesus and I asked why all you had to say "trying to keep Christ in Christmas" and left. The Vatican called, you're going to Hell.
Hi I haven't talked to you since you bought legal marijuana-are you still stoned?
All im saying is that my face might fall off.
On the flip side, we did almost have sex wearing a gorilla mask and deer antlers.............
I'm gonna tell the medical examiner that your cause of death was over-arousal.
One sec I was having the time of my life, the next I was shitting water
I think i just made eye contact with his roommate... while doing reverse cowgirl. Yup i have no shamee
oh.. my GOD my dad just text me... "i need a naked women" ........... help?
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