Life lesson: using the oven as a heater= $500 electric bill
Dude, just paid my sister in vicodin to go out and buy me a slushie.
Just traded a samurai sword for some drugs. It's gonna be one random ass night
Its not christmas eve unless I give him head. I wont take no for an answer
Ok, it is technically a gay bar but it's a total dive w/ strong drinks. The important thing is you can start drinking at 11:00 am without judgement
oh oh oh, and apparently you can bring in your own snacks. Some old dude just gave me cashews and cheetos.
Our innocent game of 'Duck, duck, booze.' ended up not being so innocent
Bring enough bail money and little extra for tacos after
He's German, so by default he gets to fuck me.
I'm laying here half naked telling him I'm eating gold fish to change the subject of hookin up cuz I don't wanna put pants on
I was wearing the shirt my little sister got for her birthday when the condom broke. I finally have it back to her and told her it was bad luck
The homeless guy who goes through my garbage cans just gave me a flyer for an AA group.
I feel horrible. I brought her to your house like a late night pizza delivery and dropped her off.
If you don't turn up on horseback dressed like a highwayman I am not having sex with you today
So you're not gonna be in town tonight?! Your dick was the light at the end of my academic tunnel!
Fuck you bitch. You're married. You got a live-in dick at home for your needs. I still gotta surf this shitty town's bars for cock
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