Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
maybe touching the ground while going 70 wasn't such a great idea after all..
Defrosting my mini wheats in the microwave was a bad choice
It's an acquired taste. Like keystone. Or caviar.
Does transporting jello shots count as driving with an open container?
I dont know why people are racist. Both the mexicans and the irish gave us holidays where everyone drinks on a wednesday.
I need to cry about outer space to someone. Can I call you?
I projectile vomited in his sisters room where the toiled would have been if it were the bathroom.
I made him an O's fan. One pic of my tits coming out of a Baltimore shirt and it was done.
I'd rather be sodomized with a fullly decorated Christmas tree.
I mean I'm not saying I have my life together but I did just put nerds in a bottle of champagne and then drank from the bottle
That was a very uncomfortable conversation to have without pants on. But his mom was pretty cool about it.
It must be love. I'm deleting my porn for him.
He unofficially told me he deleted his tinder because of me. I think that’s a pretty romantic gesture in 2018
We're just starting to open presents and I already need a shot. This is gonna be a long Christmas day.
Randomize
