You kept telling me to "raw dog" your take home breathalyzer without the mouthpiece
Climbing onto the roof in a dress and high heeled boots was probably not the best idea, especially after all that Bacardi.
It's like the only way I know how to apologize is by giving a blow job.
She gave 2 thumbs up when Nirvana came on the radio while blowing me in the bathroom
I didn't want to have to tell you this, violating our brother/sister code not to discuss these things but: for the love of christ stop inviting that 21 year old idiot I slept with for six months to EVERY PARTY WE THROW.
I feel like the way you told me you weren't pregnant was pretty anticlimactic.
I remember halftime. Then I woke up in Spain. I need a drink in order to process this.
Just watched an entire Mariachi band walk of shame home together. Halloween at its finest
I just realized that at some point last night I told someone I would only be friends with 16% of them because the other 84% stole my people's land
i had a mental breakdown over a math asignment proposed to a glass of chocolate milk then burned my hands when i acidentally leaned on the stove i have the grill marks burned on my hands i can see them
its only been 20 minuts since i last saw you
We could get her a gift basket of Xanax l
How's everyone else's ass tattoo today?
Just beer bonged through a snorkel, add that to the list
You were having sex very loudly, so I felt it necessary to blast the Thong Song, bust out the trusty old airhorn and walk in on you. MY BAD.
I pointed at him and said “there goes mr fuckwad”
Randomize
