Turn sideways at McDonald's = actual directions to a winery
I think horse shit smells the best of all shits.
He told me he could read braille... with his tongue. So I took him home. I don't think he was lying
I thought I hit my peak drinking in college. Just finished first day on Wall Street. College was nothing.
Bubblewrap condoms. We can steal Ziplock's new slogan. Protection you can hear.
she said she's never had and orgasm AND she's a cubs fan...ouch.
So it looks like you may be an uncle real soon. Don't ask how I feel about it and don't text me back.
Alright I don't know how you'll link it to me but yes I left a nearly empty 12 pack on your trunk
you tried turning the bar into a spelling b competition last night and every time someone couldn't spell something you would make them chug.
SITTING NEXT TO A CIRCUS PERFORMER AT PLANNED PARENTHOOD. THIS IS MY LIFE.
He found a way to charmingly ask me for a threesome and when I said no he made it sound like he was even happier. He's a fucking wizard
I'll have sex with you for tacos. I don't care, man.
I just had a 10 minute staring contest with my dog. Can you come over?
Dude it's 6 am and you just invited me to a hotel with a shit ton of coke. Best morning ever
I KEEP THINKING INAPPROPRIATE SEXUAL THOUGHTS ABOUT YOU AND I AM SORRY.
Randomize
