Dear tim. Christina farted and it smells like kid roses.
I'm think I may have given your ex's number to a convicted sex offender.
Win!
I gurantee you I'll be the only one dressed as a giraffe.
Because of his penis, I can't even look at a hot dog
If I don't at least start a parade that spirals into drunken riots then I'm calling it a fail of a birthday
Things i learned at work today: do not put mayonaise on a tattoo, it will get infected.
Do you remember me making bird noises at the bartender with some guy at the bar last night?
Though I feel a moral obligation to take you there, point out all of the male supervisors and slap you on the wrist and yell, "NO!!"
If you were awake I would probably ride my bike over, fuck you like a god, leave you in the wonders of life, and bike home
So I put a beer on your bed and jumped on th3 other side of the bed like in the commercials. You my good sir, owe me a budweiser that your bed drank.
Did you just send me an ass picture with a quote from the lion king?
What are you gonna do about it?
I'm trying to watch Chicago PD and tell you I like your dick at the same time. It's a lot of work, ok?
I twisted my ankle while drunkenly playing in my adult kickball league. Now I'm having to use my grandpa's cane to walk at this party. I am so single.
I woke up to rachel asking "did anyone else fall out of a tree last night?"
Do plants get herpes?
who is this
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