dude do u know what u did last night?
do i wanna know???
you totally walked in on some couple fuckin in their unlocked dorm room asking for directions to ur room...
I hope he's okay, but I also hope he shows up with an eyepatch
I just found ouut you can get a DUI in a kayak. Fuck.
I hope making "real" money at your "real" job is worth it because you totally missed beer and dorrito mac n cheese tuesday.
You got into a heated argument about Frankenstein's intelligence while double fisting burritos from taco bell.
They're fighting and it sounds intense. Cross your fingers for their demise
Toss in some raw meat and play heavy metal music. It will insight violence.
When that bartender tried to tell us he sang like Sade, I knew it was time to go
Mark my words I will never date another cop again. I don't care if he's JESUS.
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
we fucked and then he hand fed me a hot pocket
How was your night?
I spent a lot of money and drank a lot of booze. Also was part of a successful search party
Note to Self: Never again eat a weed brownie by yourself two hours before a tornado warning in your exact location.
How was the party
I came home with only one shoe, a t shirt tied around my shoeless foot and I was covered in motor oil. Oh and my shorts were inside out. So you tell me
My trash can is full of used condoms and girl scout cookie boxes.
Bro, that'd be the third dick I've taken down in the office.
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