i was so high last night that i actually googled "how to get un high"
if you ask that question again our friendship is over
Well for one thing, she was eating rice with a shot glass.
we've been dating more than a month and i just realized there's no hair on his chest..
you've had sex with him. you must've seen him naked.
nah, i feel like naked sex would be getting too serious for us..
She was so loose she sounded like a jar of salsa. I didn't know that was even possible.
He kept surfacing with a delighted look on his face, guessing different types of food to try to figure out what makes my pussy taste so good.
nope im down the street in my car watching the front of her house. its actually less creepy than it sounds
So squirting runs in the family.
And my cat won't make me food. She's a bitch
I hooked up with a lesbian tonite. Top 2 valentines experiences of all time.
Dude I sat in the corner of the party bobbing my head and singing danger zone
lonely sunday drunk me decided to tweeze my pubes. HORRIBLE IDEA
Being drunk with magicians is fucking mind blowing. This Asian guy just made a platypus appear and disappear. This is not a drill.
You can't just say you're dying of terminal cancer everytime they try to card you
I met a guy last night who bought me a book on Amazon at the bar and then we had sex. Boners for books is a thing. Boom.
Sorry about my sloppy drunk texts. I'm not sure talking about banging a near dead Jimmy Stewart was my finest moment
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