Ambien. No doubt about it.
i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
I'm drinking vodka out of a coffee pot. and i'm not even mad about it
i broight you flpweers amd vodka. open yoir bask door
You wouldn't be the first friend to shit himself in the last 7 days
in other news i'm homewrecking via instagram
There's a very drunk Asian strawberry shortcake crying on the curb next to my truck. I'm not really sure what standard protocol is for this situation.
I just remember her dragging me inside in a panic saying we needed mentos and popcorn I have no fucking clue how we ended up asleep in her closet.
We were so hungover we fell asleep in Goodyear waiting for them to fix her car. At 4 in the afternoon on a Sunday. The workers apparently didnt want to vacuum because they didn't want to wake us.
Why yes. I did get laid looking like that. My sheets look like there was a clown orgy
I want the address of the individual responsible for strawbeeritas. I want to send them gift basket.
He just unloaded a dump truck full of red flags on my head.
The cop told me I was the prettiest guy he'd arrested in a while. I'm still not sure if it was a come on or not.
What's your opinion on eating ass? Just looking for a yes or no
It’s 830 am and the amount of Valentine’s Day snaps I’ve already seen makes me either want to vom, drink a bottle of wine, or buy chocolate
1000% No lie I was just looking on insta and was thinking about taking a bottle of wine to the face..
Randomize
