u on campus? she just peed the bed i need to go
Job is the problem. Drinking, the solution.
I just realized that this morning is the first morning i've put on underwear in a week.
I love summer.
I walked out of the bathroom and both of you girls were giving the gay guy head. I was like, "laaaterrr."
We have to go find her fucking car. She came home from a 80 dollar cab ride, no shoes, and all she remembers is its at a burger king on a street with an H in it
When i woke up this morning she asked me 'when did you first find out that you could see the future.' I gotta stop drinking.
I dk what to do with this kid he is like legitimately interested in my life.
You turned to me, asked if I was having fun yet, and then threw up onto my jeans. Thanks for the awesome first time partying experience
Never get a handjob from a girl who gives deep tissue massages.
THERE ARE SO MANY GREAT DICKS IN THE WORLD. HOW DID I NOT DISCOVER THIS SOONER!?
He's drinking red wine in a margarita glass. He couldn't be more perfect for me.
got into a fight with a bouncer over who's moustache is better again last night...
I got unbelievably drunk yesterday, need some time off. Apparently pulling your balls out to make your buddy's girlfriend miss beerpong shots is frowned upon.
Was that you calling me at 4am asking to borrow a rubber ducky and a tampon?
His abs are so defined he looks like a human xylophone.
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