dude, i have to cancel tonight, my neighbor just bought a goat
what part of “beer fountain” do you not understand
I just want him to slap me with his dick and call it love
looking back it was a good thing we were too wasted to fire up the chainsaw
My near death experience also doubled as my coming out story
they all just nodded
So I found where you barfed in my house. Just wanted to let you know that my cat barfed on the kitchen floor in a show of solidarity
I'm not saying I haven't been that drunk. I'm just saying I haven't been that drunk and then have cops buy me shots.
if this uncomfortable exchange we're having is you trying to flirt with me i suggest you stop it before someone gets hurt
Next time I think buying tan-thru bikinis is a good idea, remind me of that time I passed out in one and burned the epic shit out of my pussy.
When was that?
Yesterday. Bring aloe. For my pussy.
Is this really the life I've chosen for myself?
I just can't have sex in the car again. it's just too much
I'm super depressed and stressed and I just want spaghetti and sex...
I wonder how long it will take her to realize that I peed in her night stand.
I hate when pretentious people talk bad ab corn dogs
He sang the chorus to “Inside of you” by Russel Brand in Forgetting Sarah Marshall as he proceeded to not pull out...
Honestly? I wouldn’t even be mad, that probably took talent
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