Just got a orange juice for my grandma, put gin in it without thinking. She's having a good morning.
Apparently they want to see what I've been working on for the last three months. Can I just hand them a bunch of empty fifths?
I just found your credit card inside the bag of chips
I may or may not have just visibly given him head in front of three young children and their mom. They all looked mortified.
I think we should make a list of challenges so that when stuff like that happens, we can check it off. Like a scavenger hunt for hoes.
Come on... In this relationship-economy, you gotta have "awesome blowjobs" on your resume.
you freaked out because you thought your face lotion was cum in a bottle
She asked if I wanted to "Mormon Motorboat" her, which I guess is just motor-boating her through her cloths. Turns out I did.
I love you. We're gonna celebrate your 21st by putting people in duct tape bikinis and pushing them down tequila slip and slides
There was a time I was reining queen of Sunday funday... And at that same time I also weighed 20 pounds more, had the morale of a spearmint rhino stripper, and woke up most mornings asking more questions than fucking Barbara Walters. I think I just wrote my own epitaph.
No. Dude. I didn't knoe it eas floibg to move. It's slepprru ixuy!
And after we debated politics. My dream come true: naked, just got done having great sex with a hot mixed guy, talking about why social welfare programs are a bad idea
went to their party, left halfway through to fuck a pledge, came back to keep drinking. I think everyone won.
You don't marry someone you don't want to fuck senseless this is 2014 dammit
I JUST REALIZED THAT SINCE LEIA IS TECHNICALLY A PRINCESS AND KYLO REN IS HER SON AND STAR WARS IS OWNED BY DISNEY...KYLO REN IS LITERALLY A DISNEY PRINCE.
Oh my Gods. Why. Why did you have to tell me that. D:
SO YOU CAN SUFFER HAVING THAT KNOWLEDGE TOO.
I made you bacon and gave you a blow job. I'd say you had a pretty great day.
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