3am cut off hipster s***'s afro on porch. Opened champagne. Felt like delilah cutting off samson's hair. Then shower & anal. So I guess his powers are intact.
now there's a facebook group for all the people whose lives i've ruined
Nothing screams don't date me louder then having your baby as your profile pic
it was like fucking gandolphs beard
is it pathetic that I think he's cheating and it doesn't bother me because for the first time I'm the girlfriend and not the other girl?
Last night we looked at each other with an expression of "fuck I am so done being normal", took off our shirts, and danced around in our bras
I hope you dream of an avalanche of penises
He says he invented a new sex move called The Redbird that we can only do when I'm on my period. Should I be concerned?
I have a LOT of reasons to worry about radical feminists taking my lady balls, frankly. A lot.
I just told a bottle to be chill
and meant it
In the last six hours i have procured a free sandwich, watched three movies, and came to orgasm. If that isn't productivity then i don't know what is.
Kinda hard to look your partner in the face the day after a rousing game of How Many Ways Can I Capture Your Penis.
There was puke outside of my classroom and lecture was half empty. Damn thirsty thursday is intense
i have officially smoked myself stupid. went to wally world to buy soap and toothpaste but got 4 potpies and 2 dessert pies instead. fail.
That’s all I need in life: vibrators, butt plugs, strawberry lube, and sour gummies
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