sometimes when you bring the thunder you get lost in the storm
The best thing happened. Some guy was butchering Conway Twitty at karoke and the power went off in the whole bar. And someone shouted "you pissed jesus off when you messed with conway!"
update: the house isnt on fire anymore, but he is still pissing on all your stuff.
the house was on fire??
shit I thought I told you.
I didn't join FB to see my only child straddle that boy in all her pictures.
At chipotle, there's a bachelorette party starting out the night here, i'm going to let you imagine what the bride to be looks like
Just tried to use the bottle of Sprite in my car as mouthwash to get the taste of puke out of my mouth- it's half vodka. Puked again. Thanks man.
I dont know about you but I'm not getting out of bed this summer for anything but food or sex
Oh you know, sitting here in my bathing suit watching antiques road show and petting the cat. Just the usual
He asked us to wake him up with a strobe light. We had it going in front of his face full power for half and hour and he didn't even blink.
How do I say "I still wanna hook up w you but I don't wanna see your penis via text ever again" through a snapchat
Are you sure he's still you're boyfriend when you're sober?
pretty sure I blew his mind with the sex last night. He repaid me with a five minute conversation about power rangers.
And I mean really who loses their phone in a tree
I need to stop acting like a porn star that isn't getting paid
I wonder how vigorously I can jack off in a one person tent without being noticed???
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