did you hook up austin?
No! he threw up in my bathroom, made me wake up and order him jimmy johns, beat my roommate with a macaroni and cheese box, and then passed out with her in her bed
There could not be a more unattractive person. She just told me her period was so bad that she got sick. I think my penis retracted and killed himself
And i laid in the yard with carrots on my chest cause i wanted a bunny
dude. we need more in our fridge then just beer and applesauce.
You were competing with my dog to see who had the stronger bark....
At least she'll always have a story about the time she showed up to the emergency room drunk and covered in chocolate syrup on her birthday.
He just got dropped off drinking a flask, sitting on the handlebars of a chinese delivery man's bike
Tonight's gonna be epic. Did he bring my noodles?
i’m just listening to christina aguilera’s “your body” on repeat and trying not to pass out at my desk.
The profile of her ass is just unreal. Weird way to use profile I know, but never more accurate
Alex I've come up with a new medical condition. dick depression. it's a real thing and I have it
Cause I know you wanna ride the D like a Vespa in ROMAN HOLIDAY
Your shirt... Was in my pants
I literally have a pirate chest of slutty clothing.
She was calling him Bob Saget and asking him to buy her shots....how do you think the night went?
I just motorbotted some guy and my hair got stuck in his nipple ring...owww
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