i had a dream last night that you and i organized a foursome. swear to god
ps i'll be in miami in early july. this text has no relation to the last one
There is a man on the balcony beside me who claims he is a triceratops. He roared and asked me for a cigarette, telling me he'd eat me if I refused. I love college.
you would have Pina Colada flavored saliva.
He called my vagina a rainforest. This is coming from a guy whose pubes are longer than his dick.
and honestly how many chances will you get to hook up with a one armed guy?
I had to drink a couple beers this morning so I could attend the keg race. Hangover had to dissipate or it wasn't happening.
Hey is there a picture of me in a trash can on your phone?
Please say a prayer for the elevator people at work today. My farts are significantly more potent the day after hitting that korean place for lunch...
I may or may not be wearing slippers and a TMNT hat. This thing better not have a dress code.
i was so unappreciative the bar was giving out sweatbands UNTIL I casually used it during sex.
After sex he brought chocolates and said he loves RuPaul's Drag Race. How many points does he score for that?
When breakfast is a rum &coke at the office Christmas party you know it's gonna be a good day
Omg. I can't go on a date with this man. His kids are too ugly.
I just want cinnabon and vodka.
We smell like vodka and hangover
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