I'm totally gay for Miss Californiaaaaaa
oh sweet, sweet irony
Dipping chips in queso and thinking of your beautiful face
he changed my name in his contacts to "rick", so his mom wouldn't know he was texting me
We need to start having sex underwater more often.
I made out with the bride. You tell me how my night was
I know I'm her Sunday school teacher. I just feel I would be saving others from a lot of headaches by telling her someday she's going to be a stripper
Just faked two orgasms bc I had too much wine and remembered mid sex that I bought doritos yesterday.
ugh he was not leaving in the morning so i tried to scare him by crying and saying i wasnt ready to lose my virginity.
My mom just came into the kitchen and watched me take a double shot of whiskey and chase it with a beer and said "you are my son." Proudest family moment ever
Currently siting in the living room naked, staring at one of the girls across the street in her living room naked. This is like the most intense starting contest of all time.
EW HE JUST SNAPPED ME A NUDE BUT HE CENSORED HIS DICK BY COLORING IT I DID NOT ASK FOR THIS
Woke up to the UT campus police fishing my boxers out of the university pool, guess it was a good night.
In that state of mind I managed to bounce back from getting hit by a golf cart and convince an investigations officer that I was okay to go into the game.
I'm running late...how do you explain period shits to your boss?
I woke up this morning to my panties draped around the neck of an empty bottle of bulleit. That is the perfect visual metaphor for my life at this juncture.
Randomize
