everytime someone famous vagina shows up in pics, i have to go check my own vagina to make sure mine dont look all wrinkledy and flabby like that....i want my lips plump and succulent
you left a giant bottle of vodka in my room from last night. does this serve as a parting gift or hush money?
That can be our thanksgiving, vodka and cornbread. Just like the pilgrims.
I making dinner, so you might want to actually come home tonight.
oh, you finally did the dishes then?
No, bought new ones.
You should've come out last night, I need someone to explain why the bartender tried to strangle me...
your cat followed me a mile away from your house. if it doesn't come back, i'm sorry, but I needed to get laid tonight.
Here's my first problem: I'm drunk
i decided this morning while eating my breakfast of red bull and cold pizza that i should take a vow of celibacy
But I REALLY want to hide my crazy for as long as possible with him so he'll date me.
Speaking of mom and dad and Halloween... Mom bought a size small slutty nurse outfit last night. So yeah, they're getting hammered
Thursday could be nutella day. You could make me a nutella sandwich and then fuck me senseless
That moment when you can't decide if you should vote for the random frat guy you have head to at the beginning of the semester for business and technology senator.
Anybody can graduate from college sober. You try it while being stoned every day for the last three years. 2.75 baby.
yeah, i'm probably gonna die. still gonna be totally worth it tho
Just because you haven’t had your UTI yet doesn’t mean you have a right to talk like Yoda
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